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I Enjoy the Occasional Sandwich

I'm Tom. I perform with Face Off at Improv Boston.

My twitter is @thomastowell.

I contribute to Witstream.com

I also write for Monologue Monday

Posts tagged comedy

Mar 10 '14

30 senators are staying up all night Monday to talk about climate change in an effort to pass legislation reducing greenhouse gas emissions. Joe Biden was supposed to participate too, but after one scary story, he had his mom come pick him up.

Feb 18 '14

someecards.com - Sorry that right now there's a 4th grader who has 29 more Valentines than you do.

210,000 views!

Okay, I’m done posting about this card that I made (that you can see here).

Jan 21 '14
Jan 14 '14
Accused of egging his neighbor’s home, police have scrambled all units to Justin Bieber’s house. Police are certain that something is definitely fowl. They are hoping to poach his security surveillance system. Authorities have assured Justin that the search for eggs will be over easy. Bieber fans are trying to look on the sunny side of things. 
Dec 13 '13
Downton IB - Season 2 premieres Friday, January 3rd at 10 pm - ImprovBoston.com

Downton IB - Season 2 premieres Friday, January 3rd at 10 pm - ImprovBoston.com

Oct 1 '13
Front page of Splitsider!

Front page of Splitsider!

Aug 12 '13

A judge has ruled that the NYPD’s use of the stop-and-frisk tactic violated the rights of New Yorkers. Upon hearing this, TSA agents were like, “Hey, if there’s anyone who’s going to violate New Yorkers, it’ll be us!”

Jul 22 '13

Royal Baby Sketch

Here’s a sketch Ashley and I wrote for our show last Thursday. It’s about the Royal Baby.

TOM

British citizens and people all around the world are eagerly awaiting the arrival of the child that will be heir to the British throne. Here to discuss William and Kate’s baby is royal births expert: Garreth Jones.

JONES

Hello, hello! Salutations!

ASHLEY

So this must be a very exciting time for you.

JONES

Oh goodness. It is immensely exciting! This is history in the making! A new heir to the throne! Huzzah!

TOM

A royal source has stated that the Kate is now overdue.

JONES

Yes, the child was supposedly due on the 13th of July, but as in all aspects of life, nature must take its course! The child will grace us with his or her presence when he or she is ready.

ASHLEY

There seems to be a lot of gambling over when the baby will be born.

JONES

Ho ho, yes! What fun! Gambling just adds to the excitement of a new heir. I’ve made a wager myself, a very small one at that, but a wager nonetheless. If the child is born on July 19th, I’ve got several pounds coming my way!

TOM

People are also gambling on what the name of the child will be. Any idea if it’s going to be a boy or girl?

JONES

Well, earlier this year, Kate may have let it slip that it was going to be a girl. But your guess is as good as mine.

ASHLEY

Is the Queen taking part in the gambling?

JONES

The Queen? Oh good heavens no! A queen does not gamble! Even if she did, it’s the Queen! The woman has more money than God. The Queen is excited enough to have a great-grandchild and she’s eager to start the process.

TOM

And what process is that?

JONES

Why, the Royal Birth Process, of course! When Kate goes into labor, she will be escorted to St. Mary’s Hospital. Once the child is born, William will call the Queen to let her know that the heir has been born. Then he’ll call the Prime Minister, followed by the Governors General of each of the commonwealth nations, and then the rest of the royal and Middleton families.

ASHLEY

He has to call all of them?

JONES

Of course! It’s the royal birth process! Next, the birth will be announced in the form of a formal bulletin, signed by medical staff and rushed in a car with police escort to Buckingham Palace. There, the notice will be placed in a gilt frame positioned on an easel placed in the palace forecourt for all to see.

TOM

I understand that there’s royal tradition involved here, but wouldn’t it be easier to just post on Twitter?

JONES

After that there will be celebratory gun salutes sounded by the King’s Troop Royal Horse Artillery in Green Park (41 rounds) and the Honorable Artillery Company at the Tower of London (62 rounds).

ASHLEY

Those are pretty random numbers for canon fire.

JONES

While the guns are being fired, Prince Charles will head into the royal forest and kill the biggest stag he can find. The heart will be removed and given to the child at the royal feast. 

TOM

They eat deer hearts at the royal feast?

JONES

Back at the hospital, Kate and the new child will be prepared to travel to Buckingham Palace. Once at the palace, the child will be presented to the Queen. She will use Excalibur to cut the umbilical cord. Once cut, the Queen will take the placenta and eat it so she can gain eternal power.

ASHLEY

What?

JONES

At the royal feast, the child will have to eat the deer heart to prove its worthiness. Once eaten, the child will be knighted and given command of the royal army. (Rising from chair) At last, the heir will have risen! The royal army will ride to great and glorious battle to defeat the Lannisters once and for all! All hail the new heir!!!!

TOM

How much of this is Game of Thrones fan-fiction?

JONES

About 50%. Want to hear about the dragons?

TOM

Ladies and gentlemen, Garreth Jones!

Jun 12 '13
Megabus: Your parents are divorced, right? YOU SHOULD VISIT YOUR DAD! He’s probably still lonely since your mom pushed him out of the house so that dickwad, Carl, could move in. You might want to bring some beer, as your dad has become an alcoholic since he lost half of his shit in the settlement. You should brace yourself, since you’ll probably walk in and see your dad sitting on the couch, wearing greasy sweatpants, surrounded by empty pizza boxes, and watching Game of Thrones (and yes, he probably cries when he masturbates to the sex scenes). You should put on a pot of coffee while you try to force your dad to take a shower. How does he comb his hair? You’ll figure it out. He’ll need help putting on pants since he doesn’t really give a shit about anything. Maybe you could get him out of the house for some fresh air? Avoid going anywhere too public. You don’t want too many people around when your dad lays down on the ground in a pile of his own tears, cursing Carl for fucking his ex-wife. Take him home, give him a glass of whiskey and put him to bed. ANYWAYS, you can do all of that by taking Megabus!

Megabus: Your parents are divorced, right? YOU SHOULD VISIT YOUR DAD! He’s probably still lonely since your mom pushed him out of the house so that dickwad, Carl, could move in. You might want to bring some beer, as your dad has become an alcoholic since he lost half of his shit in the settlement. You should brace yourself, since you’ll probably walk in and see your dad sitting on the couch, wearing greasy sweatpants, surrounded by empty pizza boxes, and watching Game of Thrones (and yes, he probably cries when he masturbates to the sex scenes). You should put on a pot of coffee while you try to force your dad to take a shower. How does he comb his hair? You’ll figure it out. He’ll need help putting on pants since he doesn’t really give a shit about anything. Maybe you could get him out of the house for some fresh air? Avoid going anywhere too public. You don’t want too many people around when your dad lays down on the ground in a pile of his own tears, cursing Carl for fucking his ex-wife. Take him home, give him a glass of whiskey and put him to bed. ANYWAYS, you can do all of that by taking Megabus!

May 22 '13

A Cup of Coffee with Kevin McDonald

improvboston:

image

Time for some real talk.  I’ve got some advice for you based on a recent experience I had.  

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Kevin McDonald came to two of my shows this weekend. That alone blows my mind. I saw him after each show and he was incredibly kind and said how much he enjoyed them. Never in my life did I think someone from Kids in the Hall would be watching my shows. I’m still speechless.